In an effort to raise standards in the fake news industry, mainstream media outlets from CNN, the BBC, CBS, the New York Times, The Guardian, The Independent and the New Yorker magazine have signed an agreement to standardise all news into a single, disingenuous narrative.
The proposals break fake news down into various categories which are then allocated to various news agencies to run. The BBC, CNN and MSNBC will run the department of Narrative News and Cherry Picking. The Washington Post, New York Times, The Guardian and The Independent will be responsible for Disingenuous and Agenda Based News. Finally, Facebook and Twitter will be put in charge of Banning People What We Don’t Like.
“Fake news is the number one blight on society right now” said event organiser Dan Franchetti. Before anyone could draw breath to question the validity of what he just said, he continued “People have turned away from mainstream media fake news and are now getting their already held opinions reinforced by shadowy, nefarious, baby-eating fake news sites. We need to clamp down on these rogue sites and we’re doing this by banning them whilst creating our own, singular, fact-lite news that follows a pre-defined narrative.”
Fellow mainstream media editor and blogger Fran Danchetti explained how the mainstream media plans to win back the trust of voters. “We won’t, basically” she said. “We’ll create…erm, I mean, report on the news in a way we think is best and there just won’t be any competition to say ‘hang on, that’s not right'”.
“News and information is very complicated, more complicated than the public can handle. I mean, let’s say there’s going to be a tax cut, well there’s both bad and good in that and you could spend weeks, even hours, examining the effects and implications. Well, our job is to decide for you whether it’s good or bad and strip the counter argument away, or at least find a nutjob to make a case for the side we think is wrong whilst filming the person we think is right in soft, pastel tones, with soothing string music in the background.”
British news blogger Chet Nantafrid stressed the importance of news standardisation. “You have a major news story such as the sentencing of Thomas Mair for murdering the MP Jo Cox. We believe it’s of paramount importance to have that as the front page story in every UK newspaper. Any paper not putting that story on the front page is departing from the news standardisation policy and has to be sanctioned. It doesn’t matter if the story is contained within or that the paper is wanting to stand out by doing something different; it’s wrong to depart from the narrative that this HAS to be front page news. If it isn’t, then that newspaper must therefore be fake news, which is doubleplusungood.”
Another British media analyst, Nana Chetfridt, had this to say about the Daily Mail’s (circulation: 600,000) apparently aberrant decision not to put a picture of Jo Cox on the front page: “GNARRRR! DAILY MAIL! DAILY MAIL! DAILY MAIL! DAILY MAIL! ARRRRGH! GNARRRGH! KILL! KILL! GNARRRRGH! DAILY MAIL! LET ME AT ‘EM!”