What are BBC documentaries becoming? Today I noticed they’re repeating “The Future Is Wild” for the school holidays; it’s a show about what life on Earth will be like in 100 million years time and it was complete bollocks.
A series of bizarrely hirsuite American scientists were wheeled on to give their opinions about what creatures will have evolved in 100 million years time and their stock answers were “we can’t be sure at all, but anything is possible…even fire breathing flying meat eating ants might evolve”. The key words being “can’t be sure…anything and might”. But cue BBC CGI graphics, of the type used in “Walking With Dinosaurs” of these scary ass future creatures.
We were treated to the 25 foot tall giant walking land squid that will inhabit the permanently raining forests of the new Pangea mega-continent. Yes, a 25 foot land squid. Now I don’t have a degree in biology or crypto-zoology but I do know that squid and octopi are invertebrates and the only reason they have a shape at all is that living underwater gives them a shape. So how the f*** does a giant inverebrate rule a coniferous forest? “And smaller squid swing from tree to tree, more agile than modern day gibbons” says that arch voice over whore, Tim Piggot-Smith (I swear if he were to die, the discovery and history channels would implode). Already I have an image of overweight, single guys holding cans of beer, watching this and phoning their friends going “yep, this COULD happen”. But to really insult my intelligence, they conjure up another future creature; a flying fish.
Oh no, not a fish that jumps out of the water and flies through the air for a couple of seconds, these future fish are like turbot…with bat wings. And our Tim says, “these future fish can take to the skies…they are called….Flish”. Oh you’re taking the piss now! I reach for my phone, I call the BBC’s complaints department and have this discussion:
“What the f*** is this show about future animals?”
“Ah, ‘The Future Is Wild’…we have high hopes for it, are you enjoying it?”
“No…no I’m not bloody enjoying it. It’s complete tosh!”
“Don’t you ‘ah’ me…25 foot tall land squid…”
“Yes, well we….”
“Don’t interrupt. Beetles with tank turrets firing poison, giant spiders who farm hamsters…hello? This is utter bollocks!”
“Well, we wanted to prompt a debate…”
“A debate? About how much bollocks BBC2 can possibly spout? How on earth can you justify a concept about….Flish?”
“Well….we were hoping you wouldn’t notice the Flish”
“How could I miss them? ‘And in the future, Flish will dominate the sea and the skies’…complete bollocks!”
“What is it?”
“WHAT IS IT?”
“SAY IT AGAIN!”
“The show is….bollocks”
“SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!”
“We, the BBC, admit that we’ve made a show that’s complete and utter bollocks. We apologise wholeheartedly for this and in future we shall stick to what we know…Meercats and promos with people doing silly dances.”