Scotland will get the power of flight and possibly X-ray vision as part of a settlement between Westminster and Holyrood.

First Minister Alex Salmond will be the first to enter a hermetically sealed chamber and be bombarded with molecular-altering Xenon rays in order to give him powers.  In an emotionally charged speech last night Mr Salmon demanded

“The people of Scotland must have these powers and must have them now!  I don’t care if the technology hasn’t been fully tested on Chimpanzees yet and that we’re messing with forces man was not meant to know, the Scots have made their voices heard!”

Experts have cautioned Mr Salmond and his supporters about the value of these powers.  Scientists have warned that the power of flight might be limited; Mr Salmond might only be able to achieve a top speed of 5mph and that the X-ray vision might not be able to penetrate clothing, which is what the Yes! campaigners have hoped for.

Others have warned about the possible ramifications of the new powers.  Alastair Darling sounded a note of caution:  “The Xenon treatment is highly dangerous and it might turn Mr Salmond into a hideous, unstable, fire-breathing mutant hell bent on the destruction of civilisation as we know it….I’m sorry, are we talking about ‘potential’ results here?”

South of the border, there are increasing calls for the English to get powers of their own, such as energy blast or super strength.  Liam Fox, MP wouldn’t be drawn on the issue of wider powers but he did concede that some limited powers, like being able to see 1 hour into the future or super speed but only for short bursts at a time, could become a reality.

Others, such as UKIP leader Nigel Farage, want to go further.  He said earlier today “it’s high time English voters got substantial powers; I’m thinking being able to fire deadly…or stun only…ray beams from the fingertips, the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound or have a suit of power armour so that I can launch attacks against my sworn enemies across the English Channel and I shall call myself MAGNETO!  BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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