For Christmas I was given a fitness DVD. Not just any fitness DVD with celebrities, fads and patronising left, right and centre. This one appealed to me right from the word go….
Notice that? TOTAL fitness. Not just “get fit in 6 weeks” or “feel fitter, better, healthier” but TOTAL FITNESS. TOTAL. FITNESS. Imagine just how fit that is! Total.
“THE 5BX PLAN”
I like the sound of that already. It conjured up images of mad scientists, Robert Ludlum novels and secret formulas. Maybe I only needed to imbibe some potion and I’d be fit. Totally.
“DEVELOPED BY THE ROYAL CANADIAN AIR FORCE”
It just gets better, doesn’t it? I mean, the Canadians seem fitter than most people on the Earth; outdoorsy types who do well in sports and let’s not forget how rock hard they were in WW2. Ice Hockey, skiing, moose wrestling….that’s quite fit and this is the Canadian Air Force! That’s got to be fitter than ordinary Canadians who are already fitter than the rest of us. Added to that, it’s Royal; the Royal seal of approval!
“NO EQUIPMENT NEEDED, NO WEIGHTS, NO MACHINES AND NO GYMNASIUMS; JUST SOME FLOOR SPACE”
…and it’s going to be cheap to do as well!
“ONLY A 12 MINUTE WORK OUT A DAY”
Royal Canadian Air Force, I love you!
So I begin my excercise plan. You do a number of excercises within the 12 minutes depending on what level you’re at. The higher the level, the more you have to do in that 12 minutes. I sail through the early levels, going up one each day. I start to become a fitness bore to my friends “oh yes, I’m on the 5BX plan…it’s really helping me tone up”. I start crushing aluminium drink cans in front of children, I have now started to talk like a character from an Italian dubbed sword and sandal movie. “I am totally fit!” I declare, clenched fists resting on my hips, chest puffed out. I am a paragon of fitness!
…until I got to level 8 that is. It’d been getting more exhausting once I got to level 7 and I was now thinking “could I take Russell Crowe in a fight now?”. My first muscle was coming along nicely. Then, on the DVD I selected level 8 and did the work out. At the end I was ruddy faced, wheezing and crawling to the sofa to crash out and die when the DVD said “you have now reached the fitness target for age 6”.
That’s right, I had become as fit as a 6 year old child. Forget Russell Crowe, I couldn’t even take on Mary Kate and Ashley in a fight. Or Webster. My ego came tumbling down, the Canadian Airforce (Royal) demanded more of me. Would I curl up and die? Would I give in and accept the fact that I was fair game for 6 year old hoods? No! I would carry on in the hope that one day I will be TOTALLY FIT! And do you know what…I’m now as fit as a 9 year old.