I’ve realised for some time that I need a hit Television series idea. Of course my main one, mainly turning this site into a weekly sketch comedy show, seems to be too good for mainstream TV being that I’ve assembled top writers, actors and technicians whereas what Producers and network executives are looking for “quirky”, “edgy” and a thesaurus by the looks of things.

And as a colleague of mine, Bryan, keeps telling me “you must turn your ideas into TV series” so without further ado here are my golden TV show ideas that must be sure fire winners:

1. TOUGH AS FUCK
Detective Mike Fuck is a lone wolf maverick cop in downtown San Francisco, LA, New York or Vancouver depending on who coughs up the production budget. He does things his own way, refuses to have a partner and IS the law in said downtown city (actually, has anyone ever set a cop show in Duluth?). But that isn’t what sets Fuck apart from other mortal men, and cops. No, each week the criminals find new ways to try and crush, beat, burn, shoot, stab, explode, eviscerate, julienne, flatten, rotary cut, infect and harm him but of course, he never gets so much as a scratch because of his mysterious toughness power. Starring that bloke out of NCIS or if wet, the cop out of CSI: New York.

2. YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT
Accused of a massacre he didn’t commit, Jack Shit goes on the run from every law enforcement agency in the world. He meets a dying forgery expert and practicing Wiccan who gives to him a set of fantastic credit cards, passports and driving licences that can change their identities by magic! So Shit goes on the run, trying to find the real culprit of the mass murder with his only friend being Corky, a really stupid teenage boy who has a functioning IQ of 60 and chronic short term memory loss whilst being pursued by relentless FBI agent Oxymandias Thacker. Starring Tim Daly as Shit, Michael Cera as Corky and Rupert Penry-Jones as Thacker.

3. SO I WAS LIKE…
Becky Tosk is a cute, normal, perky teenage year old girl with great hair who is constantly worrying about her hair, clothes, breasts, boys, butt, schoolwork and her status in the human food chain. After a freak radiation surge during a breast enlarging operation, she gains the mysterious power of being able to morph into any celebrity in the world….with hilarious consequences! Starring Kaley Cuoco as Becky or, if wet, Elisha Cuthbert. Plus, this show has the added appeal of having a celebrity per week! It could be John Cleese, or Hilary Swank or a hilarious episode where she morphs into Justin Beiber but people can’t tell the difference!

4. SHIT HAPPENS!
Sequel to YOU DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT. Jack Shit has now teamed up with Thacker to uncover the conspiracy that led to him being accused of a massacre he didn’t commit. Shit and Thacker then take on a cabal of Masons and shady government types and African terrorists and the Mafia and aliens and little old ladies who aren’t as nice as they seem to be.

5. PISSED AS A. NEWT
Anthony Newt is a normal, respectable middle class man with a nice job, a good home and a perky but sassy girlfriend. But when he even so much as touches, sips or sniffs alcohol he goes completely wild! He strenuously avoids the stuff but his evil work place nemesis and love rival, Baron Karl, keeps finding sneaky ways to get him to have or smell a drink. You see Newt calmly at work or playing tennis and then the scene jump cuts to him sitting naked on a dead prostitute with a traffic cone on his head and eating a Milky Way bar and he then has to work out just what happened to him whilst drunk and how Baron Karl cheated him this time. Starring Martin Freeman as Anthony Newt, Kaley Cuoco as the sassy girlfriend and Ron Pearlman as Baron Karl.

6. BUILT LIKE A BRICK SHITHOUSE
A house make-over show with a difference: Kirsty, Phil, Laurence Llellewllyn-Bowen and that gay couple turn an ususpecting couple’s family home into a giant public lavatory.

7. WOULD YOU ADAM N’ EVE IT!
Fun and hijinks following the adventures of Adam and Eve after they were cast out of the Garden of Eden. Adam (Steve Carrell) now has to learn how to work the land with the sweat of his brow and Eve (Gemma Arterton) gets a whole new insight into the increased pains in childbirth. But at every turn the Snake (the voice of Christopher Walken) tries to undermine their new lives with his dastardly plans resulting in him getting his head crushed at the end of each episode.

8. DEAD AMAZES
Top stage magician Devlin Powe has a small problem. He’s dead. Dead at the hands of a cabal of evil stage magicians and, erm, ancient Chinese shit and mafia stuff. But will he let a little matter like being dead stop him? Using his knowledge of the arcane, he can still walk the Earth as a ghost. So he keeps his stage act going but now with telekinesis stuff and otherworldly gubbins (note to commissioning editors, we’re going to need some researchers to help with magic and the occult here) whilst hunting down the cabal and getting revenge. But will his long suffering girlfriend find out his secret? That he’s dead, that is. Starring DiNozzo out of NCIS as Powe and girl-Starbuck as his girlfriend.

9. TOTES EMOSH
Top Serbian hitman, Emosh Vidic, is now living in the USA and working as a freelance assassin; his unique schtick is that he wears Totes socks with individual toe areas that help him sneak up on his victims before he kills them. That is until the day he meets Raine; a lonely, thoughtful girl who is socially awkward around the trendy cliques at college. An instant connection is formed between them, especially after he stops a Yakuza hit mob from killing her by mistake when she gets caught up in a porn raid gone wrong. Can she win Emosh back from a life of crime or will she join him whilst dealing with the painful memories he carries when he failed to save his childhood love from an out of control JCB in Zagreb? Starring Eddie Cahill as Emosh (I’m sure he could do an accent, if not we’ll default to Damian Lewis), Anna Kendrick as Raine and Justin Timberland as Zogu, a rival hitman from Montenegro who also is in love with Raine.