LONDON….NOW! The UK Labour party today announced that from now on it would be known as D’ohmentum as a recognition of where it is right now and where it wants to be.
“The Labour party of old, and by old we mean ‘since the 1990s’ is over” said spokesperson Laurie Halfpenny in a press conference attended by the 3 journalists still allowed to attend Labour press conferences. “We have purged all the right wingers out of the party and by right wingers we mean anyone who isn’t a card carrying Marxist and who disagrees with us. Now we can move on and concentrate on what Socialism is best at: Infighting, paranoia, labelling people on a sliding ideological scale, pitting groups against each other and patting ourselves on the back for being so virtuous.”
The new name for the party evokes a catchphrase of famous cartoon character, Homer Simpson: “D’oh!”. The character is famous for being hapless, clueless, insensitive to those around him, incapable of carrying out his job and saying stupid things without thinking them through. Jeremy Corbyn likes doughnuts. However, D’ohmentum is keen to play down any association with Homer Simpson or The Simpsons although they do share a love of doughnuts, because the leader likes doughnuts. Also, in the show Homer was dogged by a relentlessly cheerful, grinning idiot of a neighbour called Ned Flanders who is in no way analogous to former Prime Minister Tony Blair.
He is also the main character in a show that was funny to begin with and had a certain charm but has now gone on way too long and is inexplicably still going…I’m sorry, I’m not sure if we’re talking about Homer Simpson or Jeremy Corbyn at this point.
D’ohmentum says it’s priorities are to bumble about, cause more trouble, be outwitted by everyone around them and yet somehow finds a way of triumphing at the end. And by triumph we mean still managing to survive.
Meanwhile those former members of New Labour who were forced out of D’ohmentum are set to gain their own series, Unconventional Family Guy.