Photo: media.wired.com
CALIFORNIA….UNITED STATES….NOW!
Facebook President Mark Zuckerberg announced his plans to combat cyber-crime including revenge porn by asking all FB users to hand over all their personal and banking details to his company…..oh, and any photos you have of yourself naked.
“Revenge porn is totally a thing” he said in an interview this week. “Oh yes, and it happens far more often than you think. I don’t have the exact statistics to hand but you’d be surprised at just how many people upload nude photos of themselves, which are in turn downloaded by enemies or bullies and then sent back out in order to shame the people who put naked photos of themselves up on the internet in the first place. Yeah, I know!”
“The best way to combat this” he continued “is to send those naked photos of yourselves to me…erm, I mean, my dedicated Facebook team tasked to combat revenge porn by looking at, erm, I mean protecting…that’s the word, protecting your precious memories of you prancing around naked for the camera.”
When asked just how sending naked photos of yourself to Facebook is going to protect people who take nude photos of themselves, Zuckerberg was vague. “You know, algorithms, cyber security, terms and conditions and that kind of stuff. You don’t have to worry, just give us the photos and soon!”
“Oh, and while you’re at it….just send us your bank account details, your full name and address, social security information, a list of political affiliations, your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet and have this bar code tattooed on your wrist. You can’t be too careful.”
Tech experts at Buzzfeed explained that Zuckerberg’s requests are standard operating procedure in the digital age. Lindsay Wette, the US tech editor of the online magazine explained. “Mark Zuckerberg has always been at the forefront of digital communication right from the time in college when he desired to set up Facebook as a way of spying on girls he fancied so this new development is really needed to combat cyber-bullying/look at photos of people naked. Facebook is at the forefront of No Trump/Pence regime, punch Nazis and I’m gender non-binary so use my pronouns or I’ll sue.”
Zuckerberg concluded by saying “at the moment this is being rolled out on a strictly voluntary basis but if all goes well and demand is high then it’ll become mandatory for all FB users to send in nude photos of themselves as a condition of signing up. In an ever-changing online world, it pays to take naked photos of yourself and upload them or you risk getting left behind. If you don’t have any, now is the time to get them done and send them straight to me…erm, I mean, Facebook. Yes, definitely Facebook.”
Zuckerberg then left the press conference, rubbing his hands on his thighs and muttering “ooohhhhh yesssssss”.